


slow down (breathe) fall apart (a little)

by saphinias



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-03
Updated: 2013-07-03
Packaged: 2017-12-17 13:39:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/868181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saphinias/pseuds/saphinias
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sad stuff happens but sad stuff happens all the time now so it isn't really all that new.</p>
            </blockquote>





	slow down (breathe) fall apart (a little)

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place just before Harry leaves for LA before Louis and Eleanor have the Yorkshire Tea promo date/Jay's birthday.

Louis hugged him hard.  "Have fun in LA, babe."

Harry smiled, “I always do."

"Just don’t get too many tattoos," Louis teased.

Harry mock-scoffed, “No such thing!"  Louis chuckled and hugged him again, tucked his head under Harry’s.  Louis made fists of Harry’s shirt.  Harry rubbed his back, attempting to soothe him.

"You have fun, too, okay?  Send Jay my love."  Harry kissed the top of his head and pried Louis off of him.  Louis wouldnl’t meet his eyes, so Harry gave him a peck on the lips and slung his bag over his shoulder.  There was a time not too long ago that leaving Louis like this would have killed him.  It still kills him, but it’s become all too familiar now.  "Gotta go.  Love you, Lou."

Louis lifted his eyes, “Love you, too."  There was no hint of a smile, but he expected that.  Louis had given up pretending for him a few months ago.  So Harry smiled at him, and left with a long glance back.  Louis just stood where he was, not even bothering to cross his arms.  It hurt to see him like that, and Harry was making it worse by leaving.  But Louis knew he couldn’t stay here.  He understood.

Harry closed the door.  He wishes there were nothing to understand.

                                                             -

Louis wonders if they had been out from the beginning, would they have this kind of codependency?  Probably not.  They could probably take whole weekend vacations without aching for each other on the first night apart.

But then again, Louis always thinks, would they love so desperately or so deeply?  Louis didn’t know.  He always resolved to stop thinking about it, because the reality is that they were essentially closeted from the beginning.  It is what it is, no changing it now.  They could only hope that it got better.

Always after these thoughts, came the wondering it it was worth it.   _Yes of course_  his mind automatically answered.  Every spare moment was worth it.  That wasn’t the hard question.  The hard question was if he would still think that a few months from now, if Harry was going to still think that a few months from now.

Louis had brought it up once, after a bout of tears left him particularly vulnerable. Harry had abruptly told him to shut up, they loved each other, didn’t they?  Louis had nodded and Harry said that that was all that mattered.  And whenever Harry was around, Louis believed it.  But when he was gone, Louis knew that love  _wasn’t_  all that mattered.  Louis knew that things like sleep, and his emotional health, and happiness mattered, too.  Happiness was something that was severely lacking in his alone time.

He was happy with his career (it was his dream, after all), but it had nasty side effects.  He was happy when he was with the boys, but once in a blue moon he wished they weren’t one of the factors standing in the way of he and Harry coming out.  The boys wanted the best for them, of course.  They would happily support them coming out, Louis just didn’t want it to have it impact them as well.  He was happy with his family, but sometimes the time with them was tainted with product promotion or Eleanor.  And he was happy with Harry, no buts.  (He tried hard to believe that there were no buts.)

When he was alone he just  _wasn’t_.  Not to mention how hard it was to get a good sleep with Harry halfway across the world.  And instead of going out, Louis had taken to staying and watching films and eating when Harry was away.  (A fact that Harry frowned upon.  He told him to go out with his friends, or go to his mum’s,  _something_.)  Louis just couldn’t find it in him to go out where people knew him anymore.  He knew he would probably just end up taking fan pictures and getting papped.

Not to say that he never went out, he did.  It just took actual effort to hide from cameras, effort that he was less and less inclined to spend.  Thai or pizza with Netflix was just a million times easier.  He liked it so much that Louis wished he was home more so he could do it more often.

He always watched telly when he was alone, so he didn’t think too much.  The faster you move, the more you do, the less you think about your shitty situation.  Harry had told him that on a night about four months ago when he had been so hyped up he was running around getting Harry to chase him at eleven at night.  Harry had entertained him for a few minutes, but eventually just tackled him and held him down.  Then he said a lot of things that were completely unexpected but that Louis won’t ever forget.

Things like  _Are you okay, Lou?_   Louis had said yes of course, why wouldn’t he be?  And  _It’s okay, you can slow down sometimes.  Breathe._   and  _I’ll always be here to put you back together, don’t worry._   And finally  _Sometimes it’s good to slow down and think about things.  Fall apart a little._

 _  
_Louis had told him to shove it, and that he would slow down and think about hings when there were happier things to think about.

Louis wondered if Harry chose to cope by falling apart a little.  That made Louis’ chest ache.  Ache for the lovely, young boy who should know freedom.  For the boy who held his heart out in front of him, letting it guide him.  Who chose to let people take pieces of him, sometimes not getting them back.  Because that was the only way he knew how to live. 

Louis thought that maybe Harry used some of his pieces to patch up Louis, and he used some of his pieces to patch up Harry.  Did that mean that had forever, now that they were a part of each other?  Did that mean their love was boundless, now that they were connected in such a raw sense?

Louis would like to believe so.


End file.
